10. The Left-Hand Killer (South Park)
9. Sweeney Todd
8. Michael Myers
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10. Elle MacPherson
9. Teri Hatcher
8. Pamela Anderson
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10. accept jesus christ as your savior and die of old age with a wife and three kids and 10 grandchildren who all love you dearly
9. Heart attack while having sex
8. Sucked into black hole -- image of you preserved for infinity at event horizon
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10. Pun - Be a pun. Why? Because puns are the funniest, cleverest jokes in the entire medium of comedy. You could construct two effigies that looks somewhat like J.S. Bach, and then affix them to your hips, so that it looks like you’re triple Siamese twins, or maybe it looks like they are sprouting forth from you. Your costume would then be “Outside the Bachs”. You could also go as “Mothra Washington,” “Corn On Macabre” or “Greta Garb(o)age”.
9. Obscure Sports Icon of the ’90s - Who wouldn’t want to dress up as Rick Brunson, Eldridge Recasner, Gary Redus, Brook Jacoby, or Darnell Autry? I’ll tell you who, someone who wants to get noticed by a member of the opposite sex at a party. I guess that makes this a shitty costume idea if you want to bone down with some slutty nurse or slutty cat or slutty slut at a drunken good-time party, but if you’re just going to a bar with the boys (why would you do that on Halloween? That’s a bit gay…), why not try to out-butch one another with dumb sports costumes. I own an old Darnell Autry jersey (#24, Northwestern University), but I’ve got to wait at least another 10 years before he’s obscure enough to be a funny Halloween costume that won’t get me ostracized from all the pussy at the party.
8. Isaac Hayes or Bernie Mac - Don’t forget the toe tag!
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10. Goat Smack
9. eshuai
8. michaeleconomy
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10. Get Healthy - I love it when people announce they’re going to change their diets or stop eating junk food at a loud, obnoxious New Year’s Eve party, while stuffing their faces with pie and cookies and chips with dip. It’s the real world equivalent of watching an old western film and catching a glimpse of a modern helicopter not-to-subtly passing by overhead. No one ever gets healthy because they were drunk and decided they felt fat after a month of family-centric holidays. People choose to get healthy because they realize how much red meat is in their diet, or because they’re always sick. The healthy resolution is the biggest joke of all.
9. Have Sex More - So maybe you actually pulled off getting laid on New Year’s Eve. Good job, champ. You and a million other dudes found a way to safely take advantage of an inebriated girl. It’s really not worth bragging about it with your boys over breakfast the next day. She didn’t love it, she only let you pull out and drop your load on her tits because she was too drunk to speak straight. So when you tell your boys what a great night it was and how you’re resolving to have more sex this year, no one is going to take you seriously. Why? Because you’re not going to have more sex this year. You’re still the same pathetic guy you were three days ago. You got lucky. That’s it. Maybe you’ll get lucky again, at another dumb party, but that still won’t be a New Year’s Resolution come true. It will just be another opportunity that any dude with a semi-working penis and half a brain could take.
8. Quit Smoking / Drop Drugs - I’ve been asking my father to stop smoking every year since I learned to talk. It hasn’t happened yet. I once tried to go a whole year without stealing pills from the houses of strangers holding large parties, and it didn’t work. No one who declares on New Year’s Eve their intent to stop buying cigarettes, pot, coke or whatever their favorite fix is ever succeeds. It’s a fact of life. You’ll stop buying cigarettes after your first big scare, like when your doctor has to remove polyps from your throat or nose. You’ll stop using drugs once you’ve been arrested. Until then all of these stupid resolutions are going to fail, because you are a huge failure.
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10. Follow Her Into The Bathroom - And straight into the stall. When she turns around and sees you standing behind her, breathing heavily, you just say, “Listen, at some point, you and I might get to a place where we’re naked and urinating on each other, and…I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a pretty good feeling about ‘us’ so far. So, why not expedite the process by having me watch you pee right now?” Dude, you’re home free. Either way, you win. She can ask you to leave, and you will do so feeling a sense of accomplishment, or she can ask you to stay, and you can watch a girl pee! It’s amazing! Holy shit, why haven’t I done this before? I wish I could go back in time, so many times over…
9. Become A Sociopath - If you’ve had enough, but you’re still waiting for your appetizer or first round of drinks to arrive, don’t cancel your order. Stick around, but see if you can’t channel your inner Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son, or Brad Pitt in Kalifornia. In short, be a fucking insane creepy bastard with absolutely no conscience. Talk about torturing puppies and eating AIDS, or whatever the fuck it is crazy people talk about eating that freaks the rest of us out when we’re seated next to them on the bus or train. If she asks you about your family, tell ‘em they’ve “gone away for a while,” and you’re “not sure where they are, but they’re definitely not all in large oil drums soaking in an acid bath for the next two weeks.”
8. Imply That She Has Dark Secrets - Conversation is a funny thing. At one moment, your date might believe you two have a lot in common, and there are no awkward gaps between stories or discussions, and the next moment she’s asking you to please leave and lose her phone number. Why? Because you decided that she’s boring, and that from now on, every time you finish speaking, you’re going to tag on an extra sentence that calls attention to some weirdly perverted dark secret she’s probably keeping from you. For example, you’re talking about how you played basketball in high school, and never really saw much game time. “But hey, you’ve sucked your brother’s penis before, so I’m sure you can relate.” Or, try this one. Your enchiladas arrive, and the red sauce is too spicy. You inform her that, “My taste buds are on fire, but that again, you’ve had that raging case of crabs ever since you fucked your father, so maybe I should just grin and bear it, like you do.”
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10. Ask him what the rainforest is like when a Brazilian tells you he's from Sao Paulo or Rio.
9. Mention the World Cup of 1950, 1998, or 2006.
8. Say, "I hear Buenos Aires is really nice. That's your capital, right?"
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10. Get defensive
9. Beware of legal battles
8. Use a condom
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10. Freddy Krueger - The most trite of costumes. I don't remember when I did it, but I remember I was young enough to think this was a cool idea for a costume. I'd never even seen Nightmare on Elm Street. In fact, I still haven't seen any of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. I just thought he was fucked up looking, and his red sweater kinda creeped me out. On a related note, I used to wear that sweater to school sometimes also. I just really liked it.
9. Lawrence "LT" Taylor - Was the first costume I wore to school. I was in first grade and enjoyed football quite a bit. Of course, I didn't know the guy that I was emulating would one day become just another crackhead battling legal troubles once his professional sports days were numbered. At least he waited for his career to end before he fell off the fucking charts.
8. Dwight "Doc" Gooden - In second grade I decided I liked baseball way more than football. I always wanted to be a pitcher in the major leagues, but because I was kind of small and not very strong, this dream died by the wayside when I quit little league in middle school. Of course, Doc's legal battles are even more woeful than LT's, which makes my first choice of costumes completely and utterly awesome. I basically went to school as a crackhead for two years in a row, only they wore different work uniforms.
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