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Since “he won” the White House, Obama has been assembling a group of professional “community organizers,” each anointed as ''Czar" of a subject requiring expert knowledge and experience. He’s adding this whole new layer of direct reports to his administration, stacking it with domestic or foreign policy wonks whose role is to take charge, act decisively and deliver what Obama and his Cabinet members, who are already subsidized by taxpayers, can’t do for themselves. This gives a whole new meaning to “spreading the wealth.” I wish I could just create a position and hire someone to do the job I’m supposed to do, and have the taxpayers fund it!
Since “he won” the White House, Obama has been assembling a group of professional “community organizers,” each anointed as ''Czar" of a subject requiring exp... more
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Created 08/02/09
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1. “Beer Czar” – This organizational genius will catalog the favorite brews of world leaders and heads of state, so America can use the old “Obama Magic” to meet international challenges "head on" with diplomacy. Why waste guns and ammunition when everyone knows that when Obama talks, everyone listens? Remember, “talk is cheap.”
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2. “Bowling Czar” – This master of mentoring will establish a national bowling team, “The Pin Heads”, who will play like they’re in the "Special Olympics,” and will come to your town to provide you with a “teachable moment.” This is the “active man’s” version of a “town hall.”
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3. “Pitching Czar” – We all know BO throws a baseball like a “girlie man,” but this ruthless operative will pitch trillions of ideas for “hope and change,” and will sell you the same house you just lost in foreclosure, along with your repossessed car. He’ll offer you a package deal you can’t turn down, including a new “Barney and Friends” mortgage loan that’s conveniently “assumable” by the next ten generations of your descendants. Of course, it will be on a postage stamp sized piece of property you’ll share with millions of other lucky Americans just like you!
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4. “Fashion Czar” – Obama won’t be caught on tape again wearing “mommy jeans,” like the ones he was wearing when he threw his first pitch. This tyrant of tails will make sure he’s wearing clothing that only comes in European sizes. Obama will be exhibiting the same original fashion sense as the men designers dress for the red carpet, including that “black tuxedo and black dress shirt without a tie look.”
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5. “Food Czar” – Why worry about diets and calories when this food fascist will be telling you exactly what you can eat and when. Even better than “The Zone” and other meal plans of the stars, your 2010 Census return will put you automatically on the “Twilight Zone” meal plan. You’ll get three squares a day, delivered to your mailbox in bulk shipments twice a year. These tasty little squares are made from all the famous recipes of the gulag, and are small enough so you can stock up 6 months’ worth in your freezer, cutting out that expensive middle-man, the “fresh delivery guy,” altogether.
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6. “Gift Czar” – This personal shopper to the government will make sure that all official visitors to Washington include “ObamaSWAG.” Much of the loot will be those items found around the White House from prior administrations, like that bust of Lincoln that Michelle cleverly noticed just didn’t look good in the Oval Office. And for trips abroad, a gaggle of gifts will be put together thoughtfully, like a mountain bike for Queen Elizabeth of the United Kingdom, you know, something we know she doesn’t already have and no one else would give her. We know how heads of states just hate duplicates!
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7. “Exercise Czar” – This personal trainer will make sure that everyone in the US is doing the right “leg work,” where you’ll canvass a 50 mile radius around your neighborhood, leaving the landscape plastered with Obamabilia. This inside instructor will also teach you the newest version of “poll dancing,” where you combine a large baton and menacing look to sway voters to move to the “left” as you swirl around.
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8. “Bible Czar” – This maverick will replace the bible in every American home with a CD boxed-set collection of Reverend Wright’s favorite sermons. You’ll get more than 20 years worth of hate-speak that will entertain you while you pretend to not be listening. You’ll be cued when the many “teachable moments” of the reverend are about to spew so that you don’t miss anything!
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9. “Gun Czar” – This action figure will gather up all the weaponry and ammo from citizens identified in the 2010 Census, because we want to be sure all Americans are safe and can’t hurt themselves. In an effort to “spread the wealth,” these confiscated items will be redistributed to those poor souls just getting out of prison. GITMO detainees, whose rights and liberty we’ve just trampled on in recent years, will be allowed to cut to the front of that line. Sometimes an apology just isn’t enough!
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10. “Green Czar” – this greem giant will be in charge of determining the personal carbon footprint of every American, which you’ll be required to report on the 2010 Census. Based on just how much of a guzzler and environmental enemy you are, and we know all taxpayers are big ones, you will be taxed. There will be a cap in it, which is basically equal to whatever you have.
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