Baby-makin' music is all well and good — unless the baby is you. / Blender, As if picturing your folks having sex wasn't cringe-worthy enough, setting the scene to music borders on the sadistic. Here, we propose the parental playlist that wafted from the 8-track when skateboards had fat wheels, Homer Simpson had flowing brown hair and your folks were easing out of halter tops and bell-bottom jeans. Remember: If the master bedroom is rockin', for the love of God, DON'T COME KNOCKIN'!
Baby-makin' music is all well and good — unless the baby is you. / Blender, As if picturing your folks having sex wasn't cringe-worthy enough, setting the sc... more
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Created 03/04/08
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1
Marvin Gaye
“Let’s Get It On”
Let’s Get It On (Motown, 1973)
The ultimate come-on tune originally symbolized not baby-making but rehab (the inspirational message was supposed to mean “let’s get on with life”), but, as the song’s writer, Ed Townsend, noted, “Marvin could take ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ and make it sound like it meant ‘Let’s go to bed.’ ” Odds are, this is the tune your dad's been whistling to himself on those long family car trips. Mom, too. See you in therapy!
2
Teddy Pendergrass
“Turn Off the Lights”
Teddy (Capitol, 1979)
“When you think of lovemaking, you think of Teddy,” said Philadelphia soul icon Teddy Pendergrass, and he wasn’t boasting — he was merely describing a universal truth. He earned fame in the late ’70s (before a car wreck paralyzed him from the waist down) for his steamy “ladies-only” shows, and this sultry, slow-burning ballad isn’t so much love song as a lovers’ instruction manual: “Let’s take a shower, shower together/I’ll wash your body and you’ll wash mine/Rub me down in some hot oils.”
3
Kiss
“Beth”
Destroyer (Casablanca, 1976)
Like a solitary tear on a face full of greasepaint, this strings-drenched ballad let ’70s cartoon-rock overlords Kiss show their softer side — and it became their biggest hit. Kiss recorded the sentimental song with the New York Philharmonic for 1976’s Destroyer album. “Beth” reached number 7, while scores of Kiss Army soldiers reached first base — and kept going. Wow, you might be an army brat!
4
Jefferson Starship
“Miracles”
Red Octopus (RCA, 1975)
“I’m a love-song type of guy,” Jefferson Starship (né Airplane) founder Marty Balin said of his career, and “Miracles,” written after a five-year absence, proves it. It’s an intricately harmonized ode to the uplifting power of rec-room love. It’s also one of the first pop hits to celebrate cunnilingus: “I had a taste of the real world/ When I went down on you, girl.”
5
Barry White
“Love Serenade”
Just Another Way To Say I Love You (Mercury, 1975)
A big man with an ache he can’t deny, the grunting, groaning White did away with all innuendo and just made like he was doing the wild thing while they were still miking him up. “I don’t wanna see no panties/Take off that brassiere, my dear,” he urges in his earthquake baritone. Your folks know every word.
6
Led Zeppelin
“Whole Lotta Love”
Led Zeppelin II (Atlantic, 1969)
With its battering-ram riff, Robert Plant screaming about wanting to “give you every inch of my love” and a middle-section sound collage of orgasmic howling, this song wasn’t about sweet, delicate lovemaking. You do not want to picture what happened when dad dropped the needle on this one.
7
Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Tuesday’s Gone”
Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd (MCA, 1973)
This slice of home-brewed humidity got things warmed up nicely back in the day. The song made a memorable cameo appearance in Richard Linklater’s high-school epic Dazed and Confused, and Metallica covered it on Garage Inc., as well. (The image of James Hetfield's snarling face should help distract from the image of mom slipping into something more comfortable while dad takes the rotary phone off the hook.)
8
Al Green
“Simply Beautiful”
I’m Still In Love With You (Capitol, 1972)
Green, talking about the album’s white-suit-in-a-white-room sleeve, said, “I was as cool and in control as the music between the cover.” It’s only right that this aural Kama Sutra came to be in Hot Springs, Arkansas, where Green and his team decided a secluded lakeside resort was the right place to find inspiration about gettin’ it on. Props to mom and dad: This one still works.
9
Boston
“More Than a Feeling”
Boston (Epic, 1976)
On Boston’s magnum opus, Tom Scholz’s airbrushed guitar riffs raised the peach fuzz on dad's upper lip, while Brad Delp emoted in falsetto about seeking refuge from a cruel world in the bosom of a rock anthem (like this one). This classic FM head rush inspired heavy petting in hordes of Wrangler-strewn Chevy vans. Perhaps even the one in your driveway.
10
Bread
“Make It With You”
On The Waters (Elektra, 1970)
“Hey, have you ever tried/Really reaching out for the other side?” David Gates not-so-innocently inquires, conjuring up images of a denim-clad hippie chick in the back seat. Being unfathomably laid-back is, of course, a sure way to get said denim-clad hippie chick to, uh, lie back, as this classic soft-rock hit proved. The most casual invitation imaginable to get naked.
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