10. Ace Bailey
9. Dalton Trickle
8. Dante St. Clair
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10. Get Healthy - I love it when people announce they’re going to change their diets or stop eating junk food at a loud, obnoxious New Year’s Eve party, while stuffing their faces with pie and cookies and chips with dip. It’s the real world equivalent of watching an old western film and catching a glimpse of a modern helicopter not-to-subtly passing by overhead. No one ever gets healthy because they were drunk and decided they felt fat after a month of family-centric holidays. People choose to get healthy because they realize how much red meat is in their diet, or because they’re always sick. The healthy resolution is the biggest joke of all.
9. Have Sex More - So maybe you actually pulled off getting laid on New Year’s Eve. Good job, champ. You and a million other dudes found a way to safely take advantage of an inebriated girl. It’s really not worth bragging about it with your boys over breakfast the next day. She didn’t love it, she only let you pull out and drop your load on her tits because she was too drunk to speak straight. So when you tell your boys what a great night it was and how you’re resolving to have more sex this year, no one is going to take you seriously. Why? Because you’re not going to have more sex this year. You’re still the same pathetic guy you were three days ago. You got lucky. That’s it. Maybe you’ll get lucky again, at another dumb party, but that still won’t be a New Year’s Resolution come true. It will just be another opportunity that any dude with a semi-working penis and half a brain could take.
8. Quit Smoking / Drop Drugs - I’ve been asking my father to stop smoking every year since I learned to talk. It hasn’t happened yet. I once tried to go a whole year without stealing pills from the houses of strangers holding large parties, and it didn’t work. No one who declares on New Year’s Eve their intent to stop buying cigarettes, pot, coke or whatever their favorite fix is ever succeeds. It’s a fact of life. You’ll stop buying cigarettes after your first big scare, like when your doctor has to remove polyps from your throat or nose. You’ll stop using drugs once you’ve been arrested. Until then all of these stupid resolutions are going to fail, because you are a huge failure.
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10. Most unconventional family photos
9. Meeting some classic characters
8. Meeting the baby!!!
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10. Wesh
9. The Angry Samoan
8. Gizmonte and Bevilacqua
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10. Freddy Krueger - The most trite of costumes. I don't remember when I did it, but I remember I was young enough to think this was a cool idea for a costume. I'd never even seen Nightmare on Elm Street. In fact, I still haven't seen any of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. I just thought he was fucked up looking, and his red sweater kinda creeped me out. On a related note, I used to wear that sweater to school sometimes also. I just really liked it.
9. Lawrence "LT" Taylor - Was the first costume I wore to school. I was in first grade and enjoyed football quite a bit. Of course, I didn't know the guy that I was emulating would one day become just another crackhead battling legal troubles once his professional sports days were numbered. At least he waited for his career to end before he fell off the fucking charts.
8. Dwight "Doc" Gooden - In second grade I decided I liked baseball way more than football. I always wanted to be a pitcher in the major leagues, but because I was kind of small and not very strong, this dream died by the wayside when I quit little league in middle school. Of course, Doc's legal battles are even more woeful than LT's, which makes my first choice of costumes completely and utterly awesome. I basically went to school as a crackhead for two years in a row, only they wore different work uniforms.
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10. Tim Curry
9. Linda Hunt
8. Danny Trejo
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10. Goat Smack
9. eshuai
8. michaeleconomy
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10. What The Fuck Else Are You Going To Do? - I used to use this logic a lot when I was living at home and never getting pussy. If my choices were to either have my mom cook me dinner and spend the night watching a baseball game, or call up a girl I know is interested and try to get her to buy me a meal while slyly hinting at my being intrigued by potential sexual intercourse, I chose the latter. So too should you. I know every Mets fan is a closet Red Sox fan. I know how rabid Red Sox fans can be. If you’re sitting around at home trying to decide between watching them beat the lowly Angels (followed by an hour of crying and beating off) or calling up that girl you hooked up with six months ago but haven’t spoken to in a while to tell her you were just thinking about her and maybe sort of want to hang out…don’t be a sports fag. Make the call. Do the date. Suck it up. You’re gonna fuck.
9. Possible Free Meal - I’m a guy. I’m as shallow as you all think I am. I’ve met up with girls before hoping that they’ll foot the bill at the end of the night. I don’t make a lot of money, I never have, and sometimes I just want to eat a good meal without losing a good portion of my budget. If you younger readers know a girl whose parents are often out of town, there’s nothing wrong with calling her and telling her to take you out for (insert mid-level chain restaurant here). Girls whose parents are constantly traveling are loaded. Soak them. If you have to go down on her after dinner to feel better about scamming your way to a free meal, do it. You might even get a blowjob out of it to. A free meal and a blowjob? Jesus, that’s incredible.
8. You Might Actually Like It - And by “it”, I mean the person with whom you’re going on the date. I guess there are people out there who only ask girls or boys on dates because they genuinely like the person, but most of the dates I’ve been on haven’t been with girls I like. The girls I like I’ve always been too afraid to talk to, unless I’m inebriated beyond feeling any shame. So I wind up going on dates with girls I don’t like, and I only enjoy it as a writer trying to craft a memorable story. But, hey, I’ve gone on dates thinking it was dull and wound up really liking the girl. I guess that’s a good thing. Better than, say…not going on a date.
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10. Follow Her Into The Bathroom - And straight into the stall. When she turns around and sees you standing behind her, breathing heavily, you just say, “Listen, at some point, you and I might get to a place where we’re naked and urinating on each other, and…I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a pretty good feeling about ‘us’ so far. So, why not expedite the process by having me watch you pee right now?” Dude, you’re home free. Either way, you win. She can ask you to leave, and you will do so feeling a sense of accomplishment, or she can ask you to stay, and you can watch a girl pee! It’s amazing! Holy shit, why haven’t I done this before? I wish I could go back in time, so many times over…
9. Become A Sociopath - If you’ve had enough, but you’re still waiting for your appetizer or first round of drinks to arrive, don’t cancel your order. Stick around, but see if you can’t channel your inner Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son, or Brad Pitt in Kalifornia. In short, be a fucking insane creepy bastard with absolutely no conscience. Talk about torturing puppies and eating AIDS, or whatever the fuck it is crazy people talk about eating that freaks the rest of us out when we’re seated next to them on the bus or train. If she asks you about your family, tell ‘em they’ve “gone away for a while,” and you’re “not sure where they are, but they’re definitely not all in large oil drums soaking in an acid bath for the next two weeks.”
8. Imply That She Has Dark Secrets - Conversation is a funny thing. At one moment, your date might believe you two have a lot in common, and there are no awkward gaps between stories or discussions, and the next moment she’s asking you to please leave and lose her phone number. Why? Because you decided that she’s boring, and that from now on, every time you finish speaking, you’re going to tag on an extra sentence that calls attention to some weirdly perverted dark secret she’s probably keeping from you. For example, you’re talking about how you played basketball in high school, and never really saw much game time. “But hey, you’ve sucked your brother’s penis before, so I’m sure you can relate.” Or, try this one. Your enchiladas arrive, and the red sauce is too spicy. You inform her that, “My taste buds are on fire, but that again, you’ve had that raging case of crabs ever since you fucked your father, so maybe I should just grin and bear it, like you do.”
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10. Eric Johnson
9. Eric Roberts
8. Eric Cantor
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