10. Dawning 5000A
9. Red Storm
8. Jaguar (Cray XT4 QuadCore 2.1 GHz)
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10. Get Healthy - I love it when people announce they’re going to change their diets or stop eating junk food at a loud, obnoxious New Year’s Eve party, while stuffing their faces with pie and cookies and chips with dip. It’s the real world equivalent of watching an old western film and catching a glimpse of a modern helicopter not-to-subtly passing by overhead. No one ever gets healthy because they were drunk and decided they felt fat after a month of family-centric holidays. People choose to get healthy because they realize how much red meat is in their diet, or because they’re always sick. The healthy resolution is the biggest joke of all.
9. Have Sex More - So maybe you actually pulled off getting laid on New Year’s Eve. Good job, champ. You and a million other dudes found a way to safely take advantage of an inebriated girl. It’s really not worth bragging about it with your boys over breakfast the next day. She didn’t love it, she only let you pull out and drop your load on her tits because she was too drunk to speak straight. So when you tell your boys what a great night it was and how you’re resolving to have more sex this year, no one is going to take you seriously. Why? Because you’re not going to have more sex this year. You’re still the same pathetic guy you were three days ago. You got lucky. That’s it. Maybe you’ll get lucky again, at another dumb party, but that still won’t be a New Year’s Resolution come true. It will just be another opportunity that any dude with a semi-working penis and half a brain could take.
8. Quit Smoking / Drop Drugs - I’ve been asking my father to stop smoking every year since I learned to talk. It hasn’t happened yet. I once tried to go a whole year without stealing pills from the houses of strangers holding large parties, and it didn’t work. No one who declares on New Year’s Eve their intent to stop buying cigarettes, pot, coke or whatever their favorite fix is ever succeeds. It’s a fact of life. You’ll stop buying cigarettes after your first big scare, like when your doctor has to remove polyps from your throat or nose. You’ll stop using drugs once you’ve been arrested. Until then all of these stupid resolutions are going to fail, because you are a huge failure.
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10. Rubbernecking is NOT a beautiful thing. Slowing down when you see an ethnic person (be they African American, Hispanic, Asian or otherwise) sitting on the curb while a police officer sifts his way through their entire automobile IS a beautiful thing.
9. Scoring the winning touchdown, sinking the winning basket, they can be kind of cool. Me, I'd rather be the guy who checks into the game late, maybe as a replacement, and does something so asinine that it goes down in local sports history. To read more about this, check out the Top Ten Evan LeVine Sports Moments. Hearing the rumor that there was still a Four Squares "move" called "The McGoff" at Burnett Hill Elementary School... It blew my mind. Sure, it was an illegal move, but now McGoff has been immortalized in local sporting lore. Because game-winning scenarios--if not in championship games-- fade, being known as the kid who streaked across the court naked slathered in red paint is definitely a beautiful thing.
8. If you feel the urge to urinate while driving, and you take the very next exit only to end up driving for two hours without passing a stop, it might seem like a wasted day. But when you have absolutely no commitments and nothing to do, and you find this little gas station with fresh brewed coffee, nachos with hot spicy cheese, and a clean bathroom, you my friend have stumbled onto one of the most pleasantly surprising, hidden gems of a beautiful thing.
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10. http://deardaisycottage.typepad.com/daisy_cottage/
9. http://www.sadieolive.typepad.com/
8. http://tparty.typepad.com/the_tcozy/
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10. Spade / shovel
9. Rolling papers
8. Guitar
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10. Gabe Logan's Taser - Syphon Filter
9. Niko Bellic's Cell Phone - GTAIV
8. James Bond's Wristwatch - Goldeneye 007
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10. TEQUILA!!
9. I am not a paper cup
8. Bullshit Detector Watch
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10. This Thing (http://i36.tinypic.com/waqa6u.gif%20) - Vegan Nick sent me that link yesterday morning (I think it was his attempt to extend an olive branch after informing me that he was not going to meet me at Soy Cafe for lunch), stating that he had been transfixed on it for quite some time. I too found it fascinating, and I bet it’d be a really easy way to waste an hour of my life if I worked a boring desk job like many of you do.
9. Long Weekend - Most of you, I imagine, will not be working on Monday. It’s Labor Day. Kids will be going back to school soon, and Monday really is — for a large portion of America — the last time to hang out in the sun, grill, go to the beach, or do anything fun. It’s kind of like the last really romantic kiss shared with a lover who will imminently leave you. I have to work Monday, but in California its at least comfortable year-round, so I don’t have to worry about winter like many of you. I guess that’s a fair trade-off.
8. Mets In, Yanks Out - At this very moment, the New York Mets are sitting in first place atop the National League East. The New York Yankees, at this very moment, are poised to miss the playoffs for the first time in God-knows how many years. I can’t say I’m disappointed. Nor should you. It’s about time Yankees fans were forced to feel some humility, and suffer through a post-season without a team to support. Don’t worry Yankee fans (I’m speaking to you specifically, Ian and Mike M), you’re always welcome to hop aboard and root for the Amazin’ Mets. We’re not too picky about the kinds of people we allow into our proverbial clubhouse.
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10. Politics - I’d never stoop so low as to write about politics, because that’s the stuff popular blogs are made of, and I’ll be damned if I ever become one of those popular blogs. That’s why it’s number ten on this list. Come to think of it, if it came down to the cuplate and politics, I’d probably rather talk about the cuplate.
9. Burn After Reading - I could write about how Nate, Tom, Nicci and I tried to attend a free screening of the new Coen brothers film last evening at the Arclight, but we arrived too late. Instead, I bought everyone pizza and we watched John Carpenter’s The Thing. No chicks in that movie! It’s good that way, too, because you know if there was a woman in that station she’d have fucked the alien and ruined any chance at survival within the first five minutes of the movie. That’s just what women do. They fuck shit up for the rest of us.
8. The Doctor - I went to a doctor yesterday and it was a pretty bad experience. I showed him some bug bites on my arm and before I could finish asking if they were gnats, noseeums, fleas or bedbugs, he interjected, “It could be worse! It could be much worse!” Aren’t doctors supposed to have good bedside manner? Aren’t they supposed to coolly and calmly tell you their diagnoses or answer any questions you might have?
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10. Pun - Be a pun. Why? Because puns are the funniest, cleverest jokes in the entire medium of comedy. You could construct two effigies that looks somewhat like J.S. Bach, and then affix them to your hips, so that it looks like you’re triple Siamese twins, or maybe it looks like they are sprouting forth from you. Your costume would then be “Outside the Bachs”. You could also go as “Mothra Washington,” “Corn On Macabre” or “Greta Garb(o)age”.
9. Obscure Sports Icon of the ’90s - Who wouldn’t want to dress up as Rick Brunson, Eldridge Recasner, Gary Redus, Brook Jacoby, or Darnell Autry? I’ll tell you who, someone who wants to get noticed by a member of the opposite sex at a party. I guess that makes this a shitty costume idea if you want to bone down with some slutty nurse or slutty cat or slutty slut at a drunken good-time party, but if you’re just going to a bar with the boys (why would you do that on Halloween? That’s a bit gay…), why not try to out-butch one another with dumb sports costumes. I own an old Darnell Autry jersey (#24, Northwestern University), but I’ve got to wait at least another 10 years before he’s obscure enough to be a funny Halloween costume that won’t get me ostracized from all the pussy at the party.
8. Isaac Hayes or Bernie Mac - Don’t forget the toe tag!
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